Today, my list is long, I have infinite things "TO DO", but that is always the case when you work full time, go to school full time and have two rascals and a husband to take care of...plus we just bought this house 5 months ago and so many projects we want to do, and so little time to accomplish them! I'm a little stressed, but I think what has been making it harder lately is the fact that you're not here. You're not free to call up and ask to go to dinner just so we can visit, whether its about Pepper, or the kiddos or my husband......oh yea, that's right, Nick is officially now my husband. That happened about 3 weeks after you left this earth. That three weeks was probably some of the most emotionally unstable days I've ever felt.
Don't get me wrong, I know how I usually deal with death, I mean Nick and I have had over 5 funerals in the last 4 years. Hard funerals. Laying to rest people we were so close with. The hardest will always be Autymn, losing a child is a wound that will never heal. I know this, but day by day, there's more light in our life, which is such a blessing because for over a year, all we saw was pure darkness. But your death, was different for me. I had waited a long time to marry Nick, he is the one I will spend my life with, for better or for worse, til death do us part. I was almost finished putting the pieces together for this wonderful day. You know I picked pearls because you told me it was elegant and classy? I wanted that day to be perfect and that was my way of putting a piece of you into our special day. That day I wore a hankerchief embroidered by your mother. I remember being so excited months before and coming to your house, showing you pictures of all the dresses. You were the first person I sent a picture of my wedding dress to when I picked it(only because you weren't healthy enough to be at the dress shopping so you couldn't see it in person.) I am still so sad that you never got to see me in it. My wedding day was so close to perfect. It was the saddest happiest day of my life.
For the last three weeks before my wedding, all I did was think about you. I thought about you and how happy you'd be to see Nick and I walk down the aisle together as a married couple after all this time. I thought about how you had reserved the VFW for us. I thought about how you had an opinion on decorating it and how that annoyed my mother and I at the time. I thought about how I had told the photographer so many details about pictures because I wanted the ones with you to be done first, that way you could relax afterward. I didn't want you in pain on our wedding day. I was so looking forward to having a picture of you, Nick and I. I pictured it in my head a thousand times, that beaming smile would be on your face, I just knew it. You would be so happy for us. Then you were gone and I thought about how I had to tell the photographer I had a different plan. Then, I thought about how my kids wouldn't get to spend any more time with you. I thought about if we have another baby in the future, they will never know you. They will never know how it feels to walk in grandma's house and there she is with her arms wide open to whoever was walking in. You had an amazing way of making every single person feel so loved. You were never upset to see or hear from anyone...EVER. I loved hearing stories about how you grew up with 12 other siblings. I miss your voice. I miss your hugs and kisses. I miss your opinions and your stubborn ways. I miss the way you always took my side. You ALWAYS told me what I wanted to hear. Mom was there to give me a reality check(which I will always go to her for), but when I wanted to hide or know if what I was doing was the right thing...you always had my back. You always told me that my way was the right way. I think that's because you knew that's why I came to you. Mom would get upset that my sister and I would go to you first sometimes, but it was just because we wanted to hear the way we were doing something or handling a situation was ok. We weren't ready to hear the truth behind the matter or the fact that we really needed to get our butt in gear, at least not yet. It was such a blessing to live so close to you when I first had my daughter. I remember coming over to do laundry and that you'd swing by just to visit because you happen to be paying your storage fee next door. I didn't realize it then, but with Mom living in the country, that was such a blessing for me. I always knew I had you. Now you're gone, and I know a big piece of you is left in my heart, but my heart is broken, in a new way now. I think I've been having such a difficult time lately because I wasn't able to grieve like I should've before. Three weeks before one of the biggest days of my life, I lost one of the biggest pieces of my heart. It was hard to show the happiness I should have when I was aching inside so much, but I knew if I postponed that wedding a second longer that you'd come back to haunt me. I knew I'd regret it and I knew that's not the person you helped me grow to be.
I think I just want you to know you're more than missed down here Grandma. I know you were suffering. I know that because I saw the look in your eyes that day in the Emergency Room. I knew I saw a part of you that I'm not sure had ever showed. You were crying, "just make it stop, make the pain stop." I know I had never seen you so fragile. Not in 27 years. I think I knew in that moment that it was over. I think I knew you were done here on earth, but I didn't want to see that happen. I know in my heart that you are happy as can be, holding Grandpa's hand somewhere up there in heaven, but to me, right now, it was just too soon to lose you. There's at least once a week I just want to call you up and take you to dinner. I'm adjusting and thanks to you, I know I'll survive, but that doesn't mean that I'm gonna like it. It doesn't mean I'm ready for reality. I wish you were here to tell me it's ok to still be upset and to still be hiding in my corner. I wish you were here to shelter me from the truth, for just a little bit longer.
Love,
TKS
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