My life...in words

Grandma,
Today, my list is long, I have infinite things "TO DO", but that is always the case when you work full time, go to school full time and have two rascals and a husband to take care of...plus we just bought this house 5 months ago and so many projects we want to do, and so little time to accomplish them! I'm a little stressed, but I think what has been making it harder lately is the fact that you're not here. You're not free to call up and ask to go to dinner just so we can visit, whether its about Pepper, or the kiddos or my husband......oh yea, that's right, Nick is officially now my husband. That happened about 3 weeks after you left this earth. That three weeks was probably some of the most emotionally unstable days I've ever felt.
Don't get me wrong, I know how I usually deal with death, I mean Nick and I have had over 5 funerals in the last 4 years. Hard funerals. Laying to rest people we were so close with. The hardest will always be Autymn, losing a child is a wound that will never heal. I know this, but day by day, there's more light in our life, which is such a blessing because for over a year, all we saw was pure darkness. But your death, was different for me. I had waited a long time to marry Nick, he is the one I will spend my life with, for better or for worse, til death do us part. I was almost finished putting the pieces together for this wonderful day. You know I picked pearls because you told me it was elegant and classy? I wanted that day to be perfect and that was my way of putting a piece of you into our special day. That day I wore a hankerchief embroidered by your mother. I remember being so excited months before and coming to your house, showing you pictures of all the dresses. You were the first person I sent a picture of my wedding dress to when I picked it(only because you weren't healthy enough to be at the dress shopping so you couldn't see it in person.) I am still so sad that you never got to see me in it. My wedding day was so close to perfect. It was the saddest happiest day of my life.
For the last three weeks before my wedding, all I did was think about you. I thought about you and how happy you'd be to see Nick and I walk down the aisle together as a married couple after all this time. I thought about how you had reserved the VFW for us. I thought about how you had an opinion on decorating it and how that annoyed my mother and I at the time. I thought about how I had told the photographer so many details about pictures because I wanted the ones with you to be done first, that way you could relax afterward. I didn't want you in pain on our wedding day. I was so looking forward to having a picture of you, Nick and I. I pictured it in my head a thousand times, that beaming smile would be on your face, I just knew it. You would be so happy for us. Then you were gone and I thought about how I had to tell the photographer I had a different plan. Then, I thought about how my kids wouldn't get to spend any more time with you. I thought about if we have another baby in the future, they will never know you. They will never know how it feels to walk in grandma's house and there she is with her arms wide open to whoever was walking in. You had an amazing way of making every single person feel so loved. You were never upset to see or hear from anyone...EVER. I loved hearing stories about how you grew up with 12 other siblings. I miss your voice. I miss your hugs and kisses. I miss your opinions and your stubborn ways. I miss the way you always took my side. You ALWAYS told me what I wanted to hear. Mom was there to give me a reality check(which I will always go to her for), but when I wanted to hide or know if what I was doing was the right thing...you always had my back. You always told me that my way was the right way. I think that's because you knew that's why I came to you. Mom would get upset that my sister and I would go to you first sometimes, but it was just because we wanted to hear the way we were doing something or handling a situation was ok. We weren't ready to hear the truth behind the matter or the fact that we really needed to get our butt in gear, at least not yet. It was such a blessing to live so close to you when I first had my daughter. I remember coming over to do laundry and that you'd swing by just to visit because you happen to be paying your storage fee next door. I didn't realize it then, but with Mom living in the country, that was such a blessing for me. I always knew I had you. Now you're gone, and I know a big piece of you is left in my heart, but my heart is broken, in a new way now. I think I've been having such a difficult time lately because I wasn't able to grieve like I should've before. Three weeks before one of the biggest days of my life, I lost one of the biggest pieces of my heart. It was hard to show the happiness I should have when I was aching inside so much, but I knew if I postponed that wedding a second longer that you'd come back to haunt me. I knew I'd regret it and I knew that's not the person you helped me grow to be.
I think I just want you to know you're more than missed down here Grandma. I know you were suffering. I know that because I saw the look in your eyes that day in the Emergency Room. I knew I saw a part of you that I'm not sure had ever showed. You were crying, "just make it stop, make the pain stop." I know I had never seen you so fragile. Not in 27 years. I think I knew in that moment that it was over. I think I knew you were done here on earth, but I didn't want to see that happen. I know in my heart that you are happy as can be, holding Grandpa's hand somewhere up there in heaven, but to me, right now, it was just too soon to lose you. There's at least once a week I just want to call you up and take you to dinner. I'm adjusting and thanks to you, I know I'll survive, but that doesn't mean that I'm gonna like it. It doesn't mean I'm ready for reality. I wish you were here to tell me it's ok to still be upset and to still be hiding in my corner. I wish you were here to shelter me from the truth, for just a little bit longer.
Love,
TKS

This blog is a digital document of my life. I have been thinking lately that I need to write everything down that I remember from my past and present. I think this need came from the enormous amount of loss and the great joys I've had in the last 5 years of my life.

It was difficult to decide the first thing I want to write about. Then I realized, it wasn't that difficult, I would write about what inspired me to do this in the first place, or rather, who inspired me.

That would be MY MOM! There is just something about her! (I think pretty much every child thinks this of their mother, but I am bias to mine.)

First of all, it was her who saved me. She didn't have to choose to have me or keep me. She was 16 years old, in high school, not with my biological father and scared as hell I am sure. However, she was courageous, as she always is, and she CHOSE to keep me, to raise me, to be the best mother I could imagine. I have heard many stories of how it all happened back then, none that I intend to bore you with, but the moral of the story is just that, she chose to give up everything to be a better mother. And that is exactly what she kept doing for the rest of her life; being courageous and doing what's right, that's my mom, whether she sees it or not.

So that is my ultimate role model, my mom. Through the years our relationship has changed enormously, ever since my first sister was born I've been the jealous type, so there has always been that,then when our parents divorced in 2001 I felt as though I needed to be the caretaker, and then there was my teenage years where I was outspoken and driven and that period entails a lot of joyous times with my mother, but also a few not so nice moments as well. Then I went off to college, moved back home after 2 years and learned some hard life lessons. During this time, even though we were not always speaking, there was always an understanding that I was loved and I knew I was lucky to have her as my mom, even if what I was doing was disappointing her, she always made sure I knew she loved me.

In 2010 I hit a particular rough patch, however this rough patch had the best silver lining I could ask for. I found out in May that I was pregnant, and I flipped the hell out! "Why?" you ask? I flipped out because I was single, unemployed (from calling in so much from what turned out to be "morning sickness" that lasted 24/7) and now pregnant. However, after I got my head back on I started applying for jobs and found out the next week I could start working for a good company, as a temp, ASAP. The idea of telling my parents got a little less scary as this new job meant I would be making about $3 more per hour than I had been making. So after I started this new job I went to my moms house one night and told her and my stepdad I was pregnant. It was one of the most difficult conversations I've ever had with her. Knowing she'd be disappointed and scared for me. However, once my beautiful baby girl came into this world, I could see on my mom's face how proud she was of me and no one could ever take that away. To see my parents proud of me is all I wanted my whole life. Some teens rebel, some do stupid crap to test their parents, which I'm sure I'm guilty of at some point, but in the back of my mind, no one's opinions meant more to me than my parents, not even my own. To feel like I did something right, something I was SO proud of, it was the best feeling in the world.

At the beginning of the blog post I wrote that my mother inspired me, I know you're waiting for a reason, but here is the thing...when it comes to my mother...how could I not be inspired? ...to be a better woman, to be a better mother, to be a better daughter, to be a better partner, to be a better believer, to be a better friend, to be a better "good Samaritan", just to be better.

She has taken the knowledge from parenting her first two daughters and coupled it with the way her husband parents and is doing an amazing job of parenting my youngest sister, who I know is just going to turn out great! I try to take things my mother has said were her "shortcomings" and apply her lessons to my life. I, like she used to be, tend to lose my patience with my toddler from time to time. This is very frustrating because I know I can do better, I've seen my mom do better. She also takes the time to TEACH my youngest sister things, I also struggle with that, as today's day&age it is so easy to put a kid in front of a TV or a video game and do your own thing, so lately that's been my project, to work on my teaching abilities for my baby girl. I want to be a great role model for my daughter, and I want her to know that it's because her grandmother is a great role model for me!

She has supported ALL of her parents in their times of need. She has been with her mother while she battles addiction to pain meds and while she mourned the loss of her husband, she has been with her step-father the night before he passed away and she has been with her father in all his times of need in the last 20+ years, including the 2 weeks before he passed away this year.

In the two marriages my mother has had, I've learned a lot, probably more than she knows. While she was married to my father I remember a woman wanting control. I remember a woman wanting to find a way to be happy, but struggling a lot. I remember there were happy times, family vacations and just about every holiday in the books. I remember she was upset a lot, struggling with what was right and wrong. Then they divorced and I found a whole new side to my mother. After the sadness passed (for the most part), I saw a woman who was independent and strong and powerful. I saw strength, although I saw it in the woman my mother was before, I had not recognized it. After more time passed, my mother found the man I now call my stepdad. He was everything she was not from what I could tell(but in a good way). I wasn't sure what my mom saw in him at first, but whatever made her happy, made me happy. He was quiet and reserved and I couldn't exactly tell what he thought about anything. As the years passed I saw how happy he continued to make my mom. Their faith grew with their relationship and it has been the staple in their marriage. My understanding of what a good partner is has changed and grown so much as I grew up. I am now with a man I hope to call my husband some day, and when I need advice as to how to handle an argument or big decision, I always talk to mom. She tells me if I'm overreacting or if I'm being a witch* or if I need to stick with my guns, she gives me the backing I need, whether or not I think so at the time.

Speaking of faith, I did the most growing in my faith while I was in high school, afterwards my faith waived a little and then a lot, however, I am not oblivious to the fact that everything my mom has accomplished or worked toward in the past 10-15 years is tightly woven with her faith in God. This includes her career, her marriage, her friendships and so on.

I talked about my mom teaching me to be a better friend. I've witnessed many friendships in her life, some come and go, but most stick around. My mom is that friend that sends a card in the MAIL in the middle of the week, just because. She is the friend that brings you homemade jam just because she knows it's your favorite. She is the friend that doesn't forget birthdays. She is the friend that will be there at 4 a.m. She is the friend you want by your side no matter what, and no matter what, she is always there.

I've written a lot about my mother, and this doesn't even begin to cover it, but I think I have to stop now, as I have a spunky 3 year old little girl to go pick up!

PS-I LOVE YOU MOM!

PSS-MY FAVORITE MEMORY WITH MOM: When I was little(and still from time to time) when my mom would put me to bed, she would lay with me and rub my pinky nail to help soothe me...and her. (more often than not, if she was being playful she'd test me and randomly pinch my pinky, there was always surprise!)